The End of Sexual Identity

Before Sexy Pizza, I looked through my bookshelves to see what I could brush up on. I found several books on sex and relationships I've read this year but haven't discussed on the blog.

So here's the first: The End of Sexual Identity by Jenell Williams Paris. Paris' main point is that sex is a big deal, but it isn't, too. Sex is meant as a good gift from God, for reproduction and intimacy, powerful to bring happiness or disappointment. But it's also not such a big deal - it's not meant to be part of our identity. On our calling, she wrote, "We're responsible not only for what we do sexually, but for what we make of sex. In working together to make meanings and practices that demonstrate sexual wholeness and holiness in our time and place, we extend an invitation to acknowledge the myriad ways that sex is (not) a big deal" (13). She asks us to think critically and looks at different cultures from an anthropologist's perspective, offering insight and asking out-of-the-box questions. She discusses sexual desire, sexual holiness, heterosexuality, homosexuality, and celibacy.

Two things still stand out. First, holding up perpetual sexual bliss in marriage as the reward for pre-marital chastity is unfair and unhelpful. It's not guaranteed. Sex, like any part of life, can sometimes be wonderful, and can sometimes be hard.

Second, we've allowed the pattern of this world, the way our culture thinks, to shape the conversation. We use labels (heterosexual, homosexual, virgin, celibate, adulterer) to identify ourselves and others. But "what you want is not a message about who you are" (96). Our identity is beloved human being. "Even though changing sexual desire may seem to be a thoroughly Christian approach, it often eclipses other biblical teachings about desire: that it is fickle, often conflicted and, even for devout believers, not always under our control... When desire is uncoupled from identity, we can consider the question of change in a more straight-forward way" (99-100).

It's a short read, but looking over it again, I'm reminded of tensions I was left with. After reading a paradigm-challenging book like this, I wonder - how do we go forward? If you're ready to consider sexuality from a new perspective, asking new questions, not debating the typical hackneyed issues, this book might be for you.