The End of Sexual Identity

Before Sexy Pizza, I looked through my bookshelves to see what I could brush up on. I found several books on sex and relationships I've read this year but haven't discussed on the blog.

So here's the first: The End of Sexual Identity by Jenell Williams Paris. Paris' main point is that sex is a big deal, but it isn't, too. Sex is meant as a good gift from God, for reproduction and intimacy, powerful to bring happiness or disappointment. But it's also not such a big deal - it's not meant to be part of our identity. On our calling, she wrote, "We're responsible not only for what we do sexually, but for what we make of sex. In working together to make meanings and practices that demonstrate sexual wholeness and holiness in our time and place, we extend an invitation to acknowledge the myriad ways that sex is (not) a big deal" (13). She asks us to think critically and looks at different cultures from an anthropologist's perspective, offering insight and asking out-of-the-box questions. She discusses sexual desire, sexual holiness, heterosexuality, homosexuality, and celibacy.

Two things still stand out. First, holding up perpetual sexual bliss in marriage as the reward for pre-marital chastity is unfair and unhelpful. It's not guaranteed. Sex, like any part of life, can sometimes be wonderful, and can sometimes be hard.

Second, we've allowed the pattern of this world, the way our culture thinks, to shape the conversation. We use labels (heterosexual, homosexual, virgin, celibate, adulterer) to identify ourselves and others. But "what you want is not a message about who you are" (96). Our identity is beloved human being. "Even though changing sexual desire may seem to be a thoroughly Christian approach, it often eclipses other biblical teachings about desire: that it is fickle, often conflicted and, even for devout believers, not always under our control... When desire is uncoupled from identity, we can consider the question of change in a more straight-forward way" (99-100).

It's a short read, but looking over it again, I'm reminded of tensions I was left with. After reading a paradigm-challenging book like this, I wonder - how do we go forward? If you're ready to consider sexuality from a new perspective, asking new questions, not debating the typical hackneyed issues, this book might be for you.

Flammable: Handle with Care

The Fire of the Word by Chris Webb was an excellent read. His writing was simply refreshing and engaging. I was challenged to stop treating Scripture as something to be dissected so I can digest it easier, but as an encounter with a lover. Analysis can be a good first step, but we have to go further. He gave some practical exercises to do that: several months of daily Bible readings to ponder and journal on, with different directions each week.

He tackled Scripture's inerrancy by saying that we need to start viewing the Bible as a book that God is whispering through to us, "Look: I am here." Instead of bickering over whether all the words are correct, we need to allow God to meet us in the words. It certainly doesn't address the questions surrounding textual criticism, but it cuts to the core of the matter - will we allow God to be authoritative? His word to transform us? His love to overwhelm us?

He also addressed the resurgence of lectio divina, especially in Evangelical circles. Apparently, we've missed the point. It's not just to read the passage slowly and prayerfully, listening for a word or phrase to us. Some of the repetitions are meant to point us toward allegory and Christ's presence in every text. I had no clue.

There's actually a conference in Denver called The Fire of the Word May 4-5 with Chris Webb and several other authors who are championing spiritual disciplines for today. I can't go, but I'm looking forward to those daily readings. I hope to start them this summer.

Leadership Ellipse

I finished The Leadership Ellipse by Robert Fryling this weekend. It's a spiritual formation book for leaders who are worn out from trying to balance the tension between our inner relationship with God and our outer ministry to others. He introduces the idea of an ellipse, an oval to those of us who aren't geometry enthusiasts. Ovals have two focal points, unlike a circle with just one big bull's eye in the middle. Too often, leaders burn out from neglecting their relationship with God, feeling like hypocrites and frauds in their work. Or leaders retreat for a time and return refreshed, but without many ideas on how to bring what they experienced into the rest of their lives. But authenticity by itself isn't much to shoot for - we need transformation. So Fryling wrote a book to help leaders develop "a harmony of our inner and outer lives that together are in harmony with God and his purposes in us and in the world."

His first two sections were excellent, but since I've read a number of spiritual formation books over the last year, the practices he suggested weren't new. Excellent, but not new to me. The last section was particularly helpful for me, though.

He talked about our fears and self-pity - seeing ourselves like grasshoppers. I know, weird metaphor. It's from Numbers 13:33; you can check out the whole story here. Basically, some of the Israelites charged with spying out the Promised Land came back and reported there was no way they could even hope of taking it over - there were giants living there, and they reported, "We seemed to ourselves like grasshoppers, and so we seemed to them.” Fryling believes the practice of wholeheartedness can address the self-pity behind these fears.

He also challenged leaders to be attentive to the people around them, not just the structures they're trying to keep or develop. I think this was a good reminder to me of the pull I've been feeling to actually hang out in my students' environment, check their status updates on Facebook, and not just ask the "spiritual check-up" questions when we meet.

His last chapter, on being a grateful creature, offered a definition of leadership as "defining reality and saying thank you." One of my Area Director Josh Howell's favorite sayings is, "Reality is our best friend." Being honest with ourselves and students about what's really going on, where our choices lead, and that things are either much better or much worse (depending on the student's outlook) than they usually think. My chapter building coach and Associate Regional Director Andrea Thomas has told me, "Bring the fun!" We weren't celebrating at our leadership meetings when something went well, or just that we were getting to partner with God on campus. So we started having "forced fun" in the middle of leadership meetings and spending time rejoicing and praising God during prayer meetings. I think I'll try just outright thanking students more, too.

Watership Down

Okay, this isn't Christian nonfiction, or a book on how to do your job better, or anything like that. But I just finished Watership Down by Richard Adams, and it was delightful! I had to share.

I grew to love the bunnies in this book, and I miss being in the world of Hazel and Fiver, Bigwig and Pipkin. The book follows the adventures of a band of rabbits who manage to escape the destruction of their home, only to face many more obstacles trying to find a safe place for themselves. The rabbits have their own language, they do some un-rabbit-like things, and some have the gift of foreknowledge. But other than that, it's set in the real world. Adams did a great job of immersing you into the life of rabbits, even making up rabbit legends. It's filled with suspense and adventure, but also joy and goodness. If you enjoy children's lit at all, you should read this.

Boundaries

I just finished reading Boundaries, by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I wanted to loan it to a student, but I’d only read the first half several years ago. So I reread it.

I know some who think it goes too far, that it’s not Biblical to set boundaries, and that the ideas in the book have been used to hurt people. I can see how that last one is possible, but the second half of the book focuses on ways to set boundaries slowly with lots of different relationships and areas of your life. The authors explained a balanced, Biblical understanding of healthy boundaries. I think what they challenge readers to do is a much-needed correction to our society’s way of dealing with conflict. And the church’s way of demanding more, more, more. The trick is balancing hard and fast boundaries with grace and love.

It was good for me to be reminded of areas of my life I need to set boundaries, especially with work and with myself. But I was also encouraged by how God has grown me in boundary-setting in various relationships.

I've been using some of the truths with students in discipleship. One student needed to hear that healthy anger is supposed to be a sign that someone has crossed a boundary and hurt me. Several others needed to know they were responsible to people, but not for them. I was happy to hand this book to my student, and I think many of us could benefit from the truth in Boundaries.

God Behaving Badly

Is the God of the Old Testament Angry, Sexist and Racist? That's the subtitle for the book I finished the week before last, God Behaving Badly by David Lamb. He seeks to answer that question and explores other negative ideas about God - violent, legalistic, rigid, and distant.

He focuses on the Old Testament because Christians and nonbelievers alike often have negative views of how God is presented there. I loved his conversational tone. His Biblical examples were intriguing and excellent. He didn't just write off the questions as evil, ignorant, or unfaithful. He addressed them with humor and care.

As you might guess, he comes to the conclusion that God is loving, affirming, and hospitable, not angry, sexist or racist. He challenges Christians to stop ignoring tricky passages and learn everything they can about a God who is much bigger than we can imagine. He believes as we do this we will find God to be fascinating, relational, and good.

Story Time

The Story of God, the Story of Us by Sean Gladding was simply an excellent read. He wrote about major stories in the Bible, but in a friendly invitational tone. He set up the Old Testament storytelling with a Jewish elder in Babylonian captivity calling his people back to God and the lessons of their history. He wrote the New Testament stories in the midst of a house church facing growing persecution but sharing the story with one another and newcomers. I was drawn in by the stories from Scripture, even though I've read most of them more times than I can remember. Gladding's style and approach, the story he set the storytelling in, kept me coming back. I don't know if it's a useful book for starting conversations with non-believers - one of my staff friends, Bethany at Rice, tried handing out a ton of copies while Sean Gladding was visiting her campus, but I haven't heard how it went. I do know that as a believer I was refreshed and inspired to take another look at stories I've started glossing over, and to read some of the Old Testament I can never seem to get around to studying.

A Good Way to Scare Your Husband

Read What Every Body is Saying!

At least it worked on Kyle. I kept pointing out different clues I was picking up from his and other people's body language. This bothered him for some reason...

I read the book to help me as I counsel and disciple Christian students, meet with non-Christians, and interview potential leaders. I hope it will help me tell when someone is holding something back, not so I can manipulate them, but so I may invite them to share what may be weighing on them. I hope it will also help me gauge a student's comfort level, so I can provide encouragement or wisdom. And, if they start exhibiting nervousness through their gestures, I'll know they're uncomfortable, possibly because they're telling a lie. And there's nothing quite so humbling as being caught in a lie - it can lead to repentance and transformation. I hope these new skills help me be a better servant to my students.

Breaking the Rules

I finished this during NSO, but I didn't have time to write a blog post about it. Now that ministry has settled into a more regular pace, I wanted to share what I thought. Breaking the Rules by Fil Anderson was a freeing, enjoyable read.

His message of freedom from performance struck me. I appreciated his stories and the way he illustrated truth with them. I actually drew from his discussions on the woman who anoints Jesus in Mark 14 for my Large Group talk earlier this month. Doing what we can for God is beautiful to him. Wasting our time, energy, and resources to be with him and follow him - that's what matters. And when the world, or even the church, judges you for being wasteful, you know the truth.

If you struggle with perfectionism, wish you could let go of the drive to find worth in your performance, experience desperation to be freed for intimacy with God, then I think this book is for you. He doesn't give a ton of practical help. But then, most of us who struggle with performance mostly need to start thinking in new ways and receiving God's love. And while that's terribly practical, I don't think tips will do us much good. We just start judging our performance in how well we're following the plan and how far we've come in fixing the problem!

The Heart of Racial Justice

Last week, I finished The Heart of Racial Justice by Brenda Salter McNeil and Rick Richardson. It was a powerful book on the subtle and not-so-subtle effects of racism, and racism's true nature: spiritual sin. They believe that because racism is a sin, it can't be simply educated out of us. Everyone, no matter their race, deals with deep pride which leads to ethnocentrism (thinking your ethnicity is better than all others). Everyone, no matter their race, struggles with fear for provision or protection, which leads to treating the "other" with suspicion and carelessness. These are sins, so we need to confess, repent, and seek forgiveness.

They had an intriguing new way for gaining freedom from racism, based on a healing prayer model. First, worship God. Then, affirm our true ethnic identities, and renounce false ones as idols. Receive and extend forgiveness. Renounce the larger spiritual forces that have allowed racism to flourish - especially the spirits of pride and fear. Embrace the fact that we are a new creation, made for partnership.

They had some intriguing and sometimes painfully true ideas about false identities we put on in regards to race: rage-filled, victim, model minority, color blind, or hip white person (the one I tend to try to cast myself as).

They also believe racism is peculiar to European Americans, because we have galvanized many ethnicities into one powerful whole based on our skin color (White), and not our birthplace or our culture. And we have used that power to clump others into categories based on their skin color.

Their call to be agents of reconciliation resounded in my soul. I long to see InterVarsity at Texas A&M become a place of learning to understand the "other," perhaps coming to desire the gifts of another culture for our culture. I want the scales to drop off our eyes, to see the ways privilege, pride, and fear have blinded Whites, to repent and to see God's power in our weaknesses. I hope that minority students can find healing from wounds, old and new, and find their God-given voice to proclaim justice, freedom, and love. I'm praying that God might use some of the tools in this book to make this vision a reality.

GTD - Do you know what it means?

Cuz I do! Kyle and I took the plunge and read Getting Things Done by David Allen. It's been out for years now, and I've always thought it could be a useful tool for me. Kyle didn't know there was a book, and when he found out, we had to borrow it from Shiloh.

I'm starting to implement it. I need to set aside a couple days to go through all my piles and figure out what to do with everything. According to Allen, there are 8 options: trash it, file it for reference, make it a next action, put it on your calendar, put it in a tickler file, delegate it, put it on a someday/maybe list, or organize it as a project.

Although I haven't even organized everything yet, I started implementing the idea of the "next action." Instead of writing vague words on my to-do list that trigger my memory but aren't descriptive, or writing a step that needs to happen down the line but isn't the absolute next thing I need to do, I actually write down the next action I need to take. It's been great for my mental health.

I Found a Good Book!

I Once Was Lost was a quick read, and fantastic! Now, all I need to do is apply it to my ministry - easier said than done.

Don Everts and Doug Schaupp share their experiences ministering in the post-modern college world, specifically in regards to evangelism. The 5 "thresholds" a non-Christian can go through before they decide to follow Jesus are: distrusting a Christian to trust, apathy to curiosity about spiritual questions and Jesus, closed towards life change to open, meandering to seeking, and death to Kingdom life.

They cover steps to take in each threshold to help a non-Christian walk through it, and caution about what is unhelpful during that time. And in true postmodern fashion, they uphold the mystery and uncertainty of the whole process, making it clear that there are no guarantees and that the Spirit is the one at work.

I'm trying to think through where most non-Christian Aggies are, and what kinds of events, activities, and training we need to plan to engage with people in each of the 5 thresholds. Any ideas, brilliant or otherwise, would be greatly appreciated. I'm kinda stuck in my typical InterVarsity ministry answers, and would love anything outside my box to consider.

Hearing God

Back in May, I finished reading Hearing God by Dallas Willard, and I loved it. And now, only 2 months later, I'm reviewing it! It was a great reminder about a lot of what I've learned, and it shored up some doubts and misconceptions I've accumulated.

Some of the points I really appreciated:

Willard pointed out "we must enter into our study of it [the Bible] on the assumption that the experiences recorded there are basically of the same type as ours would have been if we had been there (p. 35)." Without that assumption, the Bible stories can taunt us with their false promise of miraculous communion with God. Or worse, we brush over those stories and the Bible becomes a book of doctrine. "We must make the conscious effort to think that such things might happen to us and imagine what it would be like (p. 90)."

Willard argues that when God communicates to us "subjectively" it's most commonly through "our own spirits, thoughts and feelings (p. 96-100)." He believes this way God can redeems us more, because "it most engages the faculties of free, intelligent beings involved in the work of God as his colaborers and friends." I felt encouraged but still hesitant to believe that idea wholeheartedly. Sometimes I feel we've shut out God's voice through the miraculous, so he can only communicate to us through the mundane. Any thoughts?

"God created, God rules, and God redeems through his word... Through our words we literally give to others a piece of our mind... Through words, soul impacts soul, sometimes with a great spiritual force (p. 118-119)." I enjoyed his discussions of Jesus and the Bible as God's Word, and also the way our words affect God's Kingdom and one another.

It dragged a little sometimes. The chapter "Our Communicating Cosmos" felt like a shallow introduction into several big questions - whether God would, could, or should communicate with us.

I loved some of the simple encouragements to deepen your conversation with the Lord, like meditating on Scripture, paying attention to what's happening in our lives and hearts, taking everything before God, and listening intentionally and carefully.

Finally, it rang true with me that God's communication is more about living life with us, not giving us infallible guidance. I need that to be my purpose in more of my prayers.

For Those of Us Who Hate Conflict

I just finished Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. They come at the subject from a business perspective, working with the Harvard Negotiation Project, but their book encompasses all sorts of difficult conversations.

They pinpointed the three underlying subjects that get people into trouble when they're not raised - what actually happened, feelings, and identity. They covered how we often assume our opponent's intentions and that the other person knows the impact they've had in our life, and assume that our intentions were completely innocent and that we know the full impact in their life. Also, when we don't identify and bring up our feelings (that's plural for a reason), they fester and leak out somewhere eventually. And our identity is terrifying to bring up, but often difficult conversations flow out of a threat to our perceived image of ourselves.

They offered some great tools: focus on contribution instead of blame, shift your purpose for having the conversation to learning and sharing, and reframe accusations into feelings and truth into perceptions.

It was well worth the read. I'm feeling encouraged to have some difficult conversations I've been avoiding!

Praying

Praying, by J.I. Packer and Carolyn Nystrom, was a good primer on the subject. It covered: meditating, praising, being searched by God, asking, complaining, hanging on through hardship or delayed answers, and praying corporately. Plus, it touched on the beliefs you need to have to relate to God through prayer so you don't get stuck in lies about what prayer is and who God is.

Writing style-wise, the book suffered from the same problem I'm told I have. The writing felt like stilted conversation. There were too many long, complicated sentences and far too many lists of verbs or adjectives that I lost myself in. The authors seemed to be trying to throw a slight joke in occasionally, but they always kept their distance with big words. Nothing wrong with big words and big sentences - you just don't have to use them when something simple will do.

It sometimes felt like they were trying to pack in too many slightly connected thoughts into the same chapter. They spent a lot of time explaining why they were talking about a subject that didn't at first glance have much to do with the chapter title. There's just too much to talk about with prayer!

If you can push through the writing style and stay with their thought process, you're in for a treat. I was challenged about the heart of prayer and seeking after the Lord. I was called back to some basic prayer practices I desperately need. And I was introduced to a couple new ideas to freshen up my prayer life.

In the next couple months, I'm hoping to:

Start reading the Bible all the way through, and read more of it using lectio divina.

Ask God to search my heart, meditating on Psalm 139.

Ask God how I should be interceding for others.

Structure my intercessory prayer using Biblical prayers, such as Psalm 9:9-10, 1 Sam 2:1-10, 1 Chron 29:10-19, 2 Chron 6:14-42, Daniel 9:4-19, Habakkuk 3:17-19, Luke 1:46-55, Eph 3:14-21, Phil 1:3-11, Col 1:9-12, Jude 24-25, and Matt 6:9-13.

Bring to God in wordless prayer one of my major areas of suffering. Close with Psalm 55:22. Pray my response to God (with words).

Consider how my personal prayer can improve my corporate worship, and vice versa.

"Doesn't the prospect of gaining wisdom make meditation worth the effort? Sadly, there are couch-potato Christians just as there are couch-potato TV watchers, who look on at others' efforts but make no effort at anything themselves and so get nowhere (82)." I pray this isn't me - I don't want to look back and wonder, "Whatever happened to my decision to pray diligently?" Especially ironic, as I'm typing this while sitting on a couch.

Quotes from Praying

Just finished reading Praying, and I'll post a review of it tomorrow. In the meantime, I particularly loved some of the quotes they used:

"I ask you whether you pray, because diligence in prayer is the secret of eminent holiness." - Bishop Ryle, A Call to Prayer

"May it be the real I who speaks. May it be the real Thou that I speak to." - C.S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm

"I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment." - C.S. Lewis, "A Word About Praising," Reflections on the Psalms

He asked for strength that he might achieve;
he was made weak that he might obey.
He asked for health that he might do greater things;
he was given infirmity that he might do better things.
He asked for riches that he might be happy;
he was given poverty that he might be wise.

He asked for power that he might have the praise of men;
he was given weakness that he might feel the need of God.
He asked for all things that he might enjoy life;
he was given life that he might enjoy all things.
He has received nothing that he asked for, but all that he hoped for.
His prayer is answered.
- A poem on how God hears our prayers and answers what we should have asked, attributed to Col. R.H. Fitzhugh, The Paradox of Prayer

"There is nothing more unchristian than the solitary Christian." - John Wesley

"I love the human race. It's people I can't stand." - Peanuts